she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
