i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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