Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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