the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
