The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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