What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
sarcasm needs its own font
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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