I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
