I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
