he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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