If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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