it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
