just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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