you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
