He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
