Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
