I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
