Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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