Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
