I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
