Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
