If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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