She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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