I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
