Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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