I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
BRING THE BAGELS
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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