also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just found a bag of teeth...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
