The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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