i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
