I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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