she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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