The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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