I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
