i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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