If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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