Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
