Texts From Last Night

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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared

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  (202): I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared http://tfl.nu/a5x9
  Replies (29) Good night (902) Bad night (1341)
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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  (905): Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse? (1-905): i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood http://tfl.nu/oc9k
  Replies (23) Good night (5123) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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  (570): If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning. http://tfl.nu/0ep2
  Replies (27) Good night (685) Bad night (6174) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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  (314): I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style http://tfl.nu/rcp4
  Replies (104) Good night (9055) Bad night (578)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...

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  (513): why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway... http://tfl.nu/r09c
  Replies (12) Good night (687) Bad night (4160) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower

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  (269): im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower http://tfl.nu/s38n
  Replies (15) Good night (3006) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  tequila makes her clothes fall off

  (512): View more from Texas

  wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

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  (636): tequila makes her clothes fall off (512): wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time http://tfl.nu/mbhl
  Replies (28) Good night (1792) Bad night (7947)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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  (216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen. http://tfl.nu/y8ck
  Replies (17) Good night (8828) Bad night (870)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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  (860): i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis. http://tfl.nu/7xur
  Replies (31) Good night (5976) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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  (517): at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees. http://tfl.nu/qho2
  Replies (10) Good night (2869) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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  (647): I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. http://tfl.nu/kla9
  Replies (3) Good night (1604) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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  (831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa
  Replies (14) Good night (2850) Bad night (435)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere

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  (312): She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere http://tfl.nu/ps2s
  Replies (1) Good night (353) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun

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  (616): Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night. (402): 20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun http://tfl.nu/qbq0
  Replies (2) Good night (545) Bad night (320)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.

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  (720): I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave. http://tfl.nu/epbn
  Replies (1) Good night (486) Bad night (129) Order T-Shirt

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