I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
