I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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