I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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