Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
