Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
