I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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