I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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