I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
