what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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