I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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