Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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