I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
