end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
