I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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