i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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