Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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